Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.
1 John 2:6
Right now I am very irritable because my stomach hurts from all that worrying. And now my anxiety is hurting me and making me want to just do my homework and go to bed.
Because of this I feel like speeding up my last two posts of the day. I am really sorry about this but today was just a bad day. I am irritable and feel like biting someone’s head off if they rub me the wrong way. Anxiety makes me feel this way.
But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.
Luke 8:15
When I am anxious my mind goes blank. It is like getting the blue screen of death on the computer. Things like that happen a lot to me.
And when it happens a lot, I tend to get very negative. I’m very strong and determined, but I HATE when things just disappear from my mind.
This is what my anxiety does to me. I am thinking then all of a sudden, completely forget about what I am talking about. This can come with Lupus and Fibro too… It’s hard to think about where this horrible symptom truly came from… All I know is that it’s hard to live with.
For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall,
II Peter 1:8-10
Fatigue…a word we all hate to hear. It can rule our lives and make everything seem so bleak. Fatigue comes with many disorders. For me, it came with Lupus, Fibro, and the anxiety disorders I deal with.
I hated the fatigue the most out of everything. For me it was just one more thing to deal with. I couldn’t think or do anything. And I just wanted to sleep all day. All my lupies have told me that I should rest when I want/need to rest, but that just made the fatigue worse.
Sometimes when the fatigue hits, I just don’t know what to do. It all happens so quickly and I am caught off guard. :/
Sleeping does not help with fatigue caused by anxiety. The only thing that helps with that kind of fatigue is treating the anxiety that caused it in the first place.
Did I mention how amazing it is to actually feel good?! Okay…whatever…but it’s amazing!!!!
Oh and random fact: I’m a metalhead and I’m a GIRL! Bwhahahahahaha! Most metalheads are guys…
Okay…fine…don’t laugh…
Ooookay let’s talk about restlessness. This is also a part of General Anxiety Disorder. I got this disorder because of all the crap that has happened to me over the years: trauma, fibro, lupus….
Aaaaah!!!! The weight is too much. Sometimes I feel like it is too much to bear. And sometimes that just makes me feel so restless. I can’t concentrate and I feel like I’m about to jump out of my skin.
Trust me…not a good feeling. I HATE it.
When this happens I just have to run around in circles until it goes away. And that’s actually a really funny thing to watch.
This is another symptoms of GAD: General Anxiety Disorder. The worrying makes me feel on edge; you feel like something bad is going to happen and that you have to be one your guard.
Trust me…not a good feeling. That’s why you feel restless; so when the *bad* thing happens, you can easily run away. It comes in handy when something bad is actually happening…but not so good when nothing is happening.
Imagine being a headless chicken…that’s what restlessness feels like.
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:5
Finally I feel well enough to write a good passage. Brace yourselves everyone, this is going to be good. Let’s talk about General Anxiety Disorder. This is something I face and hate a lot, by the way. And since other people in the world have this disorder and may be helped by what I am going to write here, I am going to write about this.
I worry a lot. I worry about little things. I obsess about little things that I shouldn’t be obsessing about. That’s a part of the disorder: unnecessary worrying.
For example, I’ll worry about my homework and my class when I don’t even have it due until three days later. This is something I have noticed about myself and I thought it would help others if I wrote it down.
Nobody wants to feel like they are alone with a disorder.
When I worry it makes me sick...I start to fall over with worry. “What if?” I think...
“What if I die tomorrow?” I think that a lot. It’s an obsessive thought. The mind of the General Anxiety Sufferer is full of ridiculous questions.
What if I die tomorrow? Well, if I do I’ll hopefully be in the kingdom of God. But if I am not then I don’t know. But I am tired of living in a “What if? “ Kind of universe.
It's getting warmer outside. I know it's getting warmer because my joints are starting to hurt. I think I need something else for my joints...something stronger. A higher dose for my RA/SLE.
It hurts and it's making me weak. I felt great in the winter because it was so cold that my joints didn't get swollen.
1. I was raped by a family friend. 2. I was molested by a family friend.
3. I was bullied from 6th to 9th grade.
4. I was molested by a friend who was a girl.
All things things create PTSD for me. Sucks, doesn't it? The fact is...PTSD is the aftermath of going through an emotionally tough time.
Some people make drama and ridiculous claims as their way of reaching out. I write about what happened. I don't remember much; I blocked it all out so I could forget how horrible all that stuff was. People don't really think about how much bullying can affect a person.
I had my first psychotic experience when I was on ambien, a drug used to treat insomnia. Insomnia is the inability to fall asleep or stay asleep. It can be a blessing to those who just want to stay up all night, drawing, but it can be a curse to those who have an 8 a.m class the next morning.
My psychiatrist gave me ambien, not knowing that it would make me go crazy. I wrote in my journal when that happened....and I'll show you examples of the things I wrote.
"He is Evil." "You will be a sacrifice to those who are damneed."
"You will die..."
Then I drew really creepy pictures... And then to top it off I saw spiders crawling all over the walls.
Eeeeek!!!!!!!!!! All because of Ambien.
But just think, those who are Schizophrenic...have to deal with this all the time. And I wouldn't want to deal with that.
Because of this experience I am going to write about Schizophrenia....
I’m going to bitch. I fucking HATE labels. Wow…it felt so good to swear and not feel bad about offending anyone.
Everyone is so worried about hurting the other person with bad words….but…it really isn’t something to be afraid of…
BPD = personality disorder.
Complex PTSD = Severe anxiety Disorder.
I am pretty sure I have Complex PTSD. I had a lot of serious things happen to me as a kid. Because of this I have no problem telling those creepy guys who stalk me on facebook to “shove it” and leave me alone.
I just had a guy somewhat stalk me on facebook. He was from Egypt. He kept repeating his name and asking me if I knew who he was. =/ I knew who he was…
He told me he wanted to marry me, that I was so beautiful…and he barely knew me. I finally told him that he made me uncomfortable…
I blocked him.
Then he tried to contact me on yahoo and to get in touch with me. I can’t understand how someone could be so in love with someone they barely knew. I felt bad, but I wasn’t thinking about love. I was thinking about how to restructure my life and get back on my feet.
That’s what I was thinking about…not finding my soul mate. Dude, if you’re reading this…sorry but you just weren’t for me.
BPD and Complex PTSD can really affect our lives. We have a hard time trusting other people and being alone is hard. We often just find someone to be with so we don’t have to be alone. It’s something we have to work on.
Or rather…it’s something our brains have to work on. Because severe trauma can change the way our brains see things.
And because of this…I have a lot of work to do.
But I hate labels and won’t be ruled by them anymore.
Because I’m not my illness, and BPD/C-PTSD are just labels given to us by doctors to *help* us.
The other day I was online on yahoo and one of my old friends went online, saw I was online, and went immediately offline. Then I found that she had deleted me off facebook.
Gee, and I thought we were *friends* =/
I had talked to her all the time on IM last year and now she avoids me like the plague. I don’t know what it is… Is it my personality? Or is it the fact that I have a mental illness and like to talk about mental illnesses? People make me sick. No, I’m serious…they really do. Everyone is so judgmental and everything. If you do one thing wrong you have lost their respect forever. I don’t think all people are bad, just the people who judge others so harshly.
Grrr!!!! =(
Yup, that’s my frowny face…
But these things happen people… Not everyone who says they are your friend are really your friend…
Crazy…yeah I am… The really crazy people don’t think they’re crazy…
I try to avoid the mental illness label because of all the people who will judge me as crazy and stuff like that.
But no one’s really crazy, are they?
And as for that *friend*, well, she wasn’t a real friend. A real friend would sit down with you and joke about how being *crazy* is cool.
=D
Real friends don’t judge. Real friends don’t care about who or what you are. Real friends will carry you when you have lost all hope.
Sadly, not everyone has real friends…
I have a few real friends, but these friends are friends who have dealt with mental illness themselves. The only way people are going to truly understand, is if they have dealt with what you have been dealing with, or if they have dealt with something that is similar to what you have been dealing with.
=/
Sounds difficult, huh? Well…it explains why I talk about DID and BPD! I have Bipolar Disorder…a mild version called cyclothymic disorder. I get a little high and a little down…and that’s about it. But it’s a mental disorder…and people still judge me harshly for it.
But, it’s not my fault I have Cyclothymic disorder. I can’t help the way my brain was formed.
I can’t undo this disorder. I take medication for it, and that somewhat helps with the pain and the ups and downs.
But I’m not going to be ashamed of something that I cannot help having.
I’m Bipolar, I’m mentally ill…
If you have a problem with this, go now…
There’s nothing *wrong* with me… I’m a person like everybody else.
