I'm Gonna Win!

Ahhh, what a beautiful sunset. When I see things like this it makes me think of my life. In some way the sun has set on my life. I don't have the liberty of going back to campus. And campus was a wonderful thing.

There was coffee, parties, long hours of studying in the library, and alcohol everywhere. The food sucked, but the people were pretty cool. And Plymouth,NH is a beautiful place to visit. I loved it.

And...I miss it...I really miss it. And I'm jealous of those who do get to experience PSU. But I'm alive and I'm doing all these great things, so I can't be a failure. No, I'm a winner.

And I'm going to win no matter what.

A day without Pain

"He replied 'Because you have so little faith. I'll tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you!"
~Matthew 17:20

I look at the horizon

And see the coldness of reality

And knowing that by trusting in someone

I can get through these hard times

The times are harsh on everyone

And they are times I don't like

Dealing with invisible illnesses

Really wears a person down

I ask for hope

I ask for faith

I ask for a day

Without any pain



True Love

“And he said: I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

~Matthew 18:3

Through this illness

I have learned many things

I have learned forgiveness

I have learned patience

 And I have learned love

Fake love is overrated

But true love is not.

And when that kind of love

Comes into your life

Hold on tight

And never let it go

For that kind of love

Will last a lifetime

The Truth Within Me

“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence: ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’”

~Hebrews 13: 5-6

Never will I fret

Never will I cry

Because strong I am

And strong I will always be

I don’t fear things anymore
Since I put my trust in him

Never will my faith stray

Never will I question…

Because I know the truth

And the truth is in him

And when I know it

                   It stays within me

Freedom

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.”

1 Peter 1:6

Freedom tastes so sweet

Especially when you finally find it

You cannot escape from life

Don’t hide away

Embrace the sweetness of reality

Find your peace in God

And take my hand

And we’ll walk along the white line together

Brave and Bold

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord, Your God will be with you wherever you go.”

~Joshua 1:9

     Cold and icy water…the day was bitter cold when we made that walk. I was surprised that my Fibromyalgia wasn’t acting up. But then I knew that it was in remission and that no more pain would come to me as long as I kept stress out of my life.

     Now I’m going back to school and learning about Criminal Justice. But I’m also learning about Chemistry and Anthropology in my free time. I always wanted to minor in those subjects, or even major in them. But I grew sick and wasn’t able to do that anymore.

     So now I work hard at these books I get from the library to learn about those subjects. Like my friend Emma, I am a geek. But I am a geek who likes to have fun and be weird at all costs.

     I am strong in my faith but at the same time I like the idea of science and history. I think a lot of what we know about the world comes from those two subjects. I am also an artist and enjoy painting and drawing to a large degree.

      I am writing a book of poems, and a book about a fiction story. I am thinking about installing book smart to help me with that. I have always been an ambitious gal and since I can't be ambitious in school work I am going to be ambitious in blogs, radioshows, blogtv, reading and studying subjects.

       Call me a nerd if you want but I'm just me. And this is how I deal with my illness, by being creative, ambitious, adventurous and bold.

    

    

Lazy Seagulls

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go! I will counsel you and watch over you.”

~Psalm 32:8

            The seagulls on the water remind me of my friends. Well, my true friends. Not just people who think I’m cool and stuff like that… Real friends…people who really care about me. I need people like that in my life. Living with multiple diseases is hard. I take a whole load of pills for my illnesses. My breakfast is a handful of pills. After taking them I feel so full.

        My friends come in all shapes and sizes. Some of them are shy and artistic. Some are outgoing and love to party and just love life in general. Then there are the people like me who like to spread the word.

       Most of my friends are christian or religious so I don't have pointless arguments about whether or not there is a "GOD". Because I know there is a God. I don't know how I know for sure...I just have faith. Religion is one thing, faith is a completely different thing.

      I have great friends now, but I didn't have the best friends in the past. They were either too troubled, too negative, too smothering, or just too immature. I am slowly but surely cutting those people out of my life because they have brought me nothing but pain.

       Yes...pain....

        It's a thing that I am very familiar with. Fibromyalgia pain, Lupus pain, Anxiety pain, Mood disorder pain....pain from trauma....it's all pain.

       I'm just so tired of feeling it. that's why I am glad I have the friends I have now. They have really helped me. And in return, I am a good friend to everyone I know.

Icy Stares

“I will say of my lord ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my god, in whom I trust.’”

~Psalm 91:2

          The icy water in this picture reminds me of the thin ice I was on in college. I remember the pain I used to feel when I hid from the ice cold stares from my professors. I don't think they really believed I was ill. I think they figured that I was faking it so I didn't have to go to class.

       This was not true. I really was sick. But because of my illness and my anxiety...I was too weak to do the work. The pain was great, and I felt so alone.

      I was always the subject of discussion with my "friends". All they talked about were my failures, and my strange illness. They looked at me like there was something really wrong with me. It really freaked me out. I didn't like it. I wanted them to stop trying to fix me, because they couldn't.

     My "best friend" went around saying I was "always upset" and "crazy" and "mean". She acted like she wanted the best for me, but she never really did. She had problems of her own, and it got to the point where I was almost getting in trouble with the law because of her.

     She never did understand me. And I'm not trying to single anyone out...I just wanted to say the truth. The girl had problems and was in denial that anything was wrong. She always thought I was crazy. But I feel like she really projected her craziness onto me. And this is my opinion and mine alone. And I don't think it would help if other people put in their opinion, because what's in the past, is in the past...

      I don't talk to that girl anymore. And I'm glad I don't.

     She never helped me get better, she just worsened my anxiety and made me sicker....

      I don't blame myself, and I don't blame her, but God, I am so glad I am out of that painful and toxic relationship.

The Path Of Life

      "Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."
~Proverbs 16:20

        We went for a walk today. We went into Exeter, NH to go for a walk around Swasey Park. It was a good time...although a bit cold...

        This reminds me of the path of life, how everything happens along a straight line. Sadly we don't always stay on the straight line. We fall off the path because of many reasons.

       I fell off the path too...mostly because I was in denial about my Lupus, and because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and because I was so worried about school. I missed a lot of school because of my illnesses, and it made me mad because I wasn't what I wanted to be. People called me a "school skipper", "lazy", everything like that. People even teased me because I failed everything.

       But it wasn't my fault...and now that I know that...I try not to pay any mind to those people. Those cruel people who have no idea what I am facing. If they knew, they would not be laughing.

      You don't know what Lupus or General anxiety is like until you have it yourself. It's not easy to deal with, and I woudn't wish it on my own enemy! But people need to stop judging. When they judge and assume they know me...they make asses out of themselves.

      And I trust that God has a plan for me. He doesn't want me to just sit around and do nothing. No, he wanted me to make this blog and inspire people. He wanted me to make a radio show and a blogtv show about my Lupus and Fibro.

     He wanted me to be free.

      And that's exactly what I'm going to be...free...on the road of life...going where I want to go....being who I want to be...never caring about what other people think.