"A friend is one who walks in when others walk out"
-Walter Winchell
“Resistance of Irony…”
Right now I am very sick. I’m sick because well…I overdid it. I thought I could handle an hour of exercise. I was wrong. But I don’t know how to fight this…I don’t know if I should work out a lot…or a little.
I’m tired of being heavy. It just makes me mad.
“In the way, don’t stop…”
I keep hearing people tell me to stop and just rest. It’s not healthy for me to feel so tired and sick to my stomach. But I just wanna scream “I don’t wanna be this way forever. I don’t want fatigue, arthritis, and dry eyes. I wanna be free.”
“Lack of sin for me…”
I just get so frustrated with all of this. This arthritis, this fatigue… I just get so annoyed. I don’t like it.
“It tears me so hopeless, so heartless…say my name it’s over for me…” I know it’s not good to be saying “it’s over and there’s no hope”.
Times are hard for me. But I am trying to enjoy every minute of it before it is gone. I love my life, and my friends. I just hate the ups and downs. I know I have a mood disorder, but I’m not really *Bipolar*. More like: an anxiety-based mood disorder. I don’t have a personality disorder. Oh, I’m sorry it’s so complicated.
“Tonight, I pray for the last time. For you and for me, and our ordinary lives, ordinary lies…”
I hope that the abilify and the Prozac helps with the mood problem. When I was down I’d start to cry. When I was up I was rolling on the floor.
There was no in-between. It got on my nerves because I just wanted a normal life.
“My pain, redefined…like an unwelcomed guest…her eyes, just to remind me.”
Everytime I work out it seems like the pain just keeps coming back.
Is there no way out.
Then before I get sick I get massive mood swings.
“I’m there for you, if you still want me to fall after all. I’m yours to keep, just come to me. I’m waiting with my wounds wide open.”
Come on Bipolar Disorder…give me your best shot!
“Pour your salt into these wounds and watch me crawl. Tell me to take it like a man. Show me my place, hurt me because you can.”
I’m not afraid of you: Bipolar Disorder. You can do everything to me…but I won’t let you beat me.
“Though now it hurts like hell…”
Depression is my least favorite part of the disorder.
“It is better to keep that something. Instantly, being that I’m in tears.”
This quote describes depression perfectly.
“So tell me now, how was he? And tell me, was he worth it? And the space is all I want. Solid payment for the torn and tired one; downcast, wayward son.”
Was overdoing it worth it? I do not know. Now I regret every minute of it. I hate all my diseases and wish I could undo them. I hate what they do to my mood and to my body. It really really f***ing sucks.
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
“Close your eyes, can you see?”
Yesterday a friend of mine with BPD texted me…we talked for a while and I felt really happy talking to my friend. I had to explain to her that I did not have BPD. I take similar medications, but I am not labeled with that disorder.
I told her I raised awareness for it because my best friend had it.
She smiled :)
“It’s the land of secret dreams take my hand.”
I heard that BPD was hard to deal with even on it’s own. And I wondered if I had it. Then I realized that I didn’t.
I have PTSD and cyclothymia. Those are challenging diagnoses to deal with…
I hate dealing with them.
“Follow me where time escapes from reality.”
My mind is flying around in circles. It’s hard for me to deal with this. Time goes by so slowly. It’s a hard thing to deal with. I have homework due, yet I don’t want to deal with it…I’m too busy trying to stop my feet from trying to run.
For some reason…I just want to run.
“Can you feel the loneliness burning in my heart?”
Sometimes I feel lonely because of my illness. But my friend told me that loneliness was unbearable and was never ending. She hated it and told me that the evil thoughts would simply not stop.
“I would need an angel to teach me again to fly.”
Getting back on her feet was hard for her. She told me she was isolated a lot of the time. She didn’t like it…
“Fly to me and save me…”
I felt so pressured to save her from that horrible fate. I wanted to help her so much. But then I realized that I couldn’t save her… She would have to make that decision herself.
“Heal my broken wings.”
I had tried to help another one of my friends with BPD heal… And in the end… she hated me. She spread things around that were untrue and stalked me. She made me hurt so bad for not being able to help her.
It was then that I gave up my dream to become a psychologist.
“Close your eyes and kiss me cause tonight…it’s the night of dreams…”
If I could I would have gone back in time and never have tried to help that friend who ruined my dream.
Sometimes I really hate her for what she did.
And other times I just cry for those who suffer with BPD.
And other times I am just confused about the whole thing.
“And your crystal eyes could drive me to the light…”
There’s no right or wrong way…so I stopped trying.
“It’s the night of dreams.”
I just close my eyes and pretend it never happened.
But that never works. Because it did happen and I can’t change it.
“And I can finally dream to fly.”
I just want to fly away from that horrible memory. Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m a f***ing b**** for saying those horrible things?
No…I’m just human.
“Higher til the sky…”
It wasn’t my fault.
“Every day and every night I look up for your eyes.”
It’s okay though… I am getting this out. I blame myself for the stalking and the harassment. I should have dealt with it better.
“Rain is falling from the sky like tears and I don’t like…” I wanted to be a savior and then I realized that there was nothing I could do.
“Now I wonder what I would ever have been if I had never met you…”
If I had never met that girl from my past…the girl I met in college…I would still have been a psychologist dreamer and I would never have found my dream job: anthropology.
“Stars in the sky are shining as never before, now I can answer, I know…”
I was meant to learn that you cannot save people… You can only help them heal.
And you can only help them heal if they want to be healed.
Today I am in a major Fibro Fog. I can’t think clearly. But somehow…I know exactly what I must do. Weird, huh? I am going to do my best to uplift the people around me who have similar diseases to me.
And nothing will stop me…not even the pain.
“Seems like to no avail…”
Sometimes it feels like nothing I ever do will get rid of the pain. But then I remember that is negative talk and that will not help anyone feel better…especially not me.
There’s nothing wrong with saying the truth…but I should remember that there is always hope.
“Strolling down the pavement aimlessly…”
I am trying to find the best way to help other people. It’s hard for me…because I keep changing things around and I don’t think people like that too much.
I’m sorry guys…just trying to figure out how to help other people.
Because I really do want to help.
“Waiting for someone…”
I’m waiting for my brothers and sisters who deal with the horrible disease called Fibromyalgia to find me.
“To snatch her bag of memories…”
I’ve been dealing with Fibromyalgia symptoms since I was about 16. I am 21 now. That’s such a long time, is it not?
And just think…I am so much stronger now because of it! Nothing will destroy me. :)
“How come you call it destiny when the cross you bear is your only company?”
Maybe I was destined to get Fibro so I could help other people? Who knows…the Lord works in mysterious ways..
But wait…the Lord doesn’t just give people diseases…he’s a kind and fair God…he wouldn’t do that to someone.
“Never seen you, I don’t even know your name.”
The people who look at this page, I do not know. I don’t know their names unless they follow the page or the blog. All I know is I am blessed to have people care about and follow my page.
Thank you…for aiding me in this horrible fight.
“But still I believe.”
I believe that people care about what I go through. I believe that there will one day be a cure for Fibromyalgia. I believe that God is watching and that he loves me.
“That you are gonna save me.”
I believe that no one can save me from this pain but myself. And I can change things as I take my medication, and dream of ways to inspire others.
So in this scenario, my own savior is myself.
“Somehow I got a notion, just a little affection on this cold and windy road.”
Life is cruel, hard, foreboding, and cumbersome. But for me, the challenge yields a greater prize. For those who dream, life is hard. For those who try, life can kick you in the face. But for those who never give up…life will never end…
“Save me from a state of unemotion…”
There are some days when I just don’t feel. I feel like people think this disease is all in my head, when it is not. I feel like some people hate me because I am so positive. And I feel like some people just think I am naïve for thinking that there is still hope.
“Just a little affection on this cold and windy road.”
Life is very hard for me right now. I’m fighting fatigue, pain, everything…
But life is hard.
“Why is it all so confusing?”
Why does Fibromyalgia mimic other disorders? Why can’t it be easier to diagnose?
“Why does growing up hurt so bad?”
Why do people say such hurtful things? Why do people tear you down when they should be keeping those hurtful things to themselves!?
“We seek and we get lost.”
I get lost a lot. Mostly in my own thoughts. For me, it is like wandering in a fog that will never lift.
“We get found and go again.”
Just when I start feeling positive about my situation…I go to the doctors, hear what they have to say…and start feeling down all over again.
Grr…why do doctors care about labels so much???
“And I don’t know what’s gonna be…”
I have no idea what my Primary Care is going to say about me. Sometimes I think he likes me, and sometimes I think he thinks I’m a nutjob.
“I won’t make any promise I believe.”
Just take me away from this lord…
“I don’t know if I can…”
I’m scared to be dealing with so many burdens. I don’t like this!!!
“I don’t know if I should…”
I’m really scared!!!
“I don’t know what is right and what’s to come if you would.”
Everything is just spinning around me.
“Here I stand in the rain.”
A rain of my own tears.
“Here I stand in the cold.”
Because my old friends have abandoned me.
“I’m reluctant to get another shot in my soul…no…”
Everytime I talk I get all the haters. I hate that!!!
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin
“I’m happy, hope you’re happy too.”
I know I can be happy with a disease like CFS…It may strip me of all energy…but I’m happy. And I have other things too that I deal with. But I’m happy.
Are you? Can you still be you even though you have a chronic disease.
“I’ve loved all I needed love.”
I have so many friends. I think it’s because of my personality. I’m just such a nice person and people seem to like that. So of course I have a lot of friends. I lost a lot of friends because of being sick.
But I’ve gained so much more.
“The shrieking of nothing is killing.”
Just screaming for no reason is not the best thing to do. People will just think you’re angry, when you probably aren’t. I’m not an angry person, but I get angry whenever people talk about my fatigue and how it’s hurting me.
I yell at it and tell it to leave me alone. Sometimes I think it can really hear me…
“Ain’t got no money and I ain’t got no hair…”
My hair is getting thinner. And I don’t have a job. I live at home with my parents. I hate it because I want to be on my own. I want to work, and have a family.
I don’t have money to spend on anything. My parents buy everything. It makes me feel so weak and helpless. I don’t like that feeling.
“Strung out in heaven’s high…”
All my drugs make me feel so stoned all the time. The drugs I take for Fibro really zonk me out. And then the anxiety drugs make me feel lke I’m as high as a kite. Most of the time it’s not a bad feeling…but it’s kind of uncomfortable feeling that way on prescription drugs!
“Hitting an all time low…”
I hate feeling depressed. You know, the feeling that everything is going to end badly. Ugh! It’s awful. I want it to end.
The worst thing about my Cyclothymia is the depression. It’s not that bad…but it’s enough to make me unable to enjoy my day. Soemtimes I get depressed before I get a Lupus flare.
