Ashes to Ashes

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

- Anais Nin

“I’m happy, hope you’re happy too.”

    I know I can be happy with a disease like CFS…It may strip me of all energy…but I’m happy. And I have other things too that I deal with. But I’m happy.

     Are you? Can you still be you even though you have a chronic disease.

“I’ve loved all I needed love.”

    I have so many friends. I think it’s because of my personality. I’m just such a nice person and people seem to like that. So of course I have a lot of friends. I lost a lot of friends because of being sick.

     But I’ve gained so much more.

“The shrieking of nothing is killing.”

    Just screaming for no reason is not the best thing to do. People will just think you’re angry, when you probably aren’t. I’m not an angry person, but I get angry whenever people talk about my fatigue and how it’s hurting me.

     I yell at it and tell it to leave me alone. Sometimes I think it can really hear me…

“Ain’t got no money and I ain’t got no hair…”

    My hair is getting thinner. And I don’t have a job. I live at home with my parents. I hate it because I want to be on my own. I want to work, and have a family.

     I don’t have money to spend on anything. My parents buy everything. It makes me feel so weak and helpless. I don’t like that feeling.

“Strung out in heaven’s high…”

    All my drugs make me feel so stoned all the time. The drugs I take for Fibro really zonk me out. And then the anxiety drugs make me feel lke I’m as high as a kite. Most of the time it’s not a bad feeling…but it’s kind of uncomfortable feeling that way on prescription drugs!

“Hitting an all time low…”

    I hate feeling depressed. You know, the feeling that everything is going to end badly. Ugh! It’s awful. I want it to end.

     The worst thing about my Cyclothymia is the depression. It’s not that bad…but it’s enough to make me unable to enjoy my day. Soemtimes I get depressed before I get a Lupus flare.

     But depression sucks.