Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
~John 15:16
Because of my anxiety I get scared a lot of the time. Scared about my Lupus, my Fibromyalgia, everything. I’m not really scared about people judging me…I don’t care what people think to be honest. If I did I would not be writing in a blog…
Well…duh!!!!
But there is just a basic feeling of fear and it refuses to go away no matter what I do.
So I have to talk to my therapist today. And luckily…I am seeing him today :)
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
~John 15:7-11
Aaaahh! I can’t sleep there’s too much to do!!! That’s a thought that runs through my head as I try to sleep.
I want to paint, draw, color in things, I just have too much to do. Well my mind creates a lot to do so I don’t sleep…
Very sneaky huh?
But yup, that’s how my mind works. It doesn’t like to just do nothing. Hence why I am always typing, knitting, sewing, drawing, painting, and coloring. Oh, and add cleaning, homework and taking pictures to that list. I also IM people when I’m really bored.
So with all that stuff going on…how can one sleep?
Well…not easily…and that’s something I also need to work on. It’s OK to not be able to do everything. We can’t get everything done in a day, anyway. What I can’t get done one day I can get done the next day.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
~Galatians 5:22-23
I’m sorry but I just can’t chill.
People ask me this question all the time. “Why can’t you just chill?”
“Why are you so freaked out all the time???”
Answer: my mind can’t chill. It’s a disorder called ‘General Anxiety Disorder’. It’s a very common one among all of us. And yes, technically this is not my fault. But I have to find a way to control the anxiety without turning to drugs or alcohol.
So the next time someone asks me to “chill” I’m going to give them a punch to the face because they don’t know me and what I face. I’m doing the best I can and I am just unable to chill. I would think as a friend that they would understand that…but sadly not a lot of people are as understanding as I would have liked.
Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.
~James 5:7
Something horrible is going to happen…
This is the kind of thinking that invades my thought process. “Something bad is going to happen”.
Uh, ok…what?
What’s going to happen?
I can never answer this question all I can answer is: “I don’t know but something bad is going to happen…so be prepared.”
Alright thanks for the warning!
This is something I deal with often, but not every day. It’s a thought process that must be wiped out. I know it’s the way my brain is…but this has to be changed as well.
See that what you have heard from the beginning remains in you. If it does, you also will remain in the Son and in the Father.
1 John 2:24
Lupus, Lupus, on the wall, will you be the death of me…
I worry a lot. That’s a part of General Anxiety Disorder. I worry about stupid things, or things that most people would find stupid.
I also know that what I have is treatable and that everything in the end will be okay. It’s not the end yet though, so not everything is okay yet.
I worry about getting killed by Lupus. I have heard of it happening, I have “seen” it happen. I’m just afraid of it happening to me. But I shouldn’t worry, should I? I mean, it’s just a mild case. My Lupus hasn’t progressed past joint and lung pain.
But still…it’s a worry in my mind. And I was blessed with my mother’s kind heart, and her problems.
Now I wonder…what’s going to happen to me?
Am I going to die from Lupus? The thought scares me so much that I can’t breathe. My throat closes up and everything.
I haven’t had to go to the ER because of this but I feel like maybe I should have…I don’t know…I hate it when anxiety rules my life.
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 2:15-17
Fear of death tends to make fear of the flesh. That’s what I think when I start to have anxiety attacks. My stomach gets all nauseous and cold sweat runs down my back. This usually happens when I think that someone is going to hurt me.
I’ve been having these thoughts since I was a kid. Well, once you get raped you don’t wanna get raped again. So you start distrusting every one you meet. All so you don’t get in trouble again.
But it does not help me very much. For the most part, this whole “fear of everyone” thing really gets on my nerves. I know that not everyone out there is going to hurt me.
But for some reason, that’s all I can think of. They…are…going…to…hurt…me.
That’s all I think…and then…the cold sweat starts. It starts a little bit at first…then comes on full throttle. Cold, icy sweat… Then my stomach feels like it has knots in it. It’s a horrible feeling.
And all this because I am afraid of getting physically hurt.
I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
~Psalm 91:1-2
Sometimes at night I am haunted by a single phrase. “Am I going to die in my sleep tonight?” It’s a crazy thought but it’s one that affects me very much. Sometimes I am afraid to fall asleep because of that. I have insomnia bad some days. And sleeping is a chore because I have that fear in my mind.
“Am I going to die in my sleep? Is it really going to be all over tonight? Will this be the last time I sleep in my bed? I don’t want it to be over…”
Those are some of the things I think to myself as I fall asleep. But there are more. This fear of dying really consumes me.
What was I before I was born? Who am I? Why am I here? Those are some questions I ask myself.
Insomnia is hard to deal with the next day. I feel so tired and I don’t want to do much the next day. I just want to relax and try to make up for the loss of sleep. But when I do that, I just have more trouble falling asleep the next night.
And the cycle goes on and on.
Why do I feel this way? I have no idea…I really don’t. I don’t know why I feel so certain about these horrible feelings. They do haunt me at night sometimes. I was afraid of coming forward because I didn’t want people to think I was crazy or something.
That’s a huge fear of mine.
But that fear is just the anxiety taking over and that is something I have to stop from happening. Because my anxiety doesn’t rule me. I…RULE…IT…
My job right now is to find a way to stop the cycle so that I can get some good sleep. And beat the anxiety.
