Do NOT Judge Me

“Because of the lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

~Lamentations 3:22-23

      I am glad that that God loves me. Because I love him very much. I feel like a lot of people either think I'm great or think I am just a loser. I think that's just a part of life though...not everyone is going to like you.

       I just don't know what it is about mental illness that drives people nuts. Suddenly being mentally ill makes you a burden or something. I mean, seriously? I'm NOT a burden. I'm just a regular person...well...not regular...but a person. I hate the mental illness labels because being mentally ill is just not a good thing in our society. People judge you as less than a person and as "one of the bad ones".

      I really hate people when I see them treat the mentally ill that way. Mostly because...I am one of "those people". Yes I have multiple mental illnesses. Well...I am an adovcate for many illnesses.

I advocate for connective tissue diseases because I have two of those...who knows...maybe more...and I advoate for anxiety, mood, and personality disorders because I have issues with anxiety and mood...not personality though...

I know how it feels to worry. I mostly worry about people leaving me.

       I worry that people will get bored of me and go away. I don't like the idea of being rejected. It hurts. It hurts for everyone but being a trauma survivor, it hurts even more. I feel like when I bare myself to people who I thought were friends, and they reject me...I feel like my heart is being ripped out.

       I know I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve, but sometimes it's important to do so...for survival. You HAVE to talk about some stuff. And you feel really close to the people who suffer with the same stuff as you do. And when those people reject you...well...it hurts.

I know I have to work on not being so open....and my anger and my tendency to be really f***ing rude to people I don't like...

       Well....we all have things to work on so stop f***ing judging!

I Want To Be Believed

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.”

~Psalm 62:1

This picture reminds me how God forgives and how people can be forgiving if they have the spirit of God inside them.

      I always had a hard time with friends who wouldn’t forgive me. They were immature and expected me to do everything for them. I had gotten to the end of my rope with one of these friends. I won’t give away the name because I don’t want to single anyone out. But it was hell juggling my disease and dealing with those people.

      And I hated the people who thought it was their job to fix everything about me. I mean, it was my life and my job to help myself. I didn’t want or need their help.

God, people could be so dumb.

      Gosh, now I’m starting to b****…and I shouldn’t really do that. I should be happy that I have great friends who love and care about me. I mean, why not???? I’m a great person, and great people tend to attract good people in return. Sometimes we attract people who are not very good, but that’s just life.

      Life is a challenge for me right now. I’m healthier but not down to remission just yet. I’m not officially diagnosed with Lupus. Everyone tells me they don’t want me to have it…but…I’m pretty sure I do, and I can’t just ignore that. I have to take care of myself and my health. Why can’t people understand that. I don’t want people to say “I hope you don’t have it”….I just want people to say “I support you and believe you”.

That’s all I want.

Please Believe Me

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

~ 1 Peter 5:7

Being a friend

Sometimes I get scared

When I look my illness in the eye

Because I don’t know what to expect

And I don’t know who to turn to

And I don’t know who will believe me

Please believe me

I am really sick

I am struggling with a demon

And I need you to believe me