Dying

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

   my God, in whom I trust.”

~Psalm 91:1-2

        Sometimes at night I am haunted by a single phrase. “Am I going to die in my sleep tonight?” It’s a crazy thought but it’s one that affects me very much. Sometimes I am afraid to fall asleep because of that. I have insomnia bad some days. And sleeping is a chore because I have that fear in my mind.

        “Am I going to die in my sleep? Is it really going to be all over tonight? Will this be the last time I sleep in my bed? I don’t want it to be over…”

        Those are some of the things I think to myself as I fall asleep. But there are more. This fear of dying really consumes me.

        What was I before I was born? Who am I? Why am I here? Those are some questions I ask myself.

        Insomnia is hard to deal with the next day. I feel so tired and I don’t want to do much the next day. I just want to relax and try to make up for the loss of sleep. But when I do that, I just have more trouble falling asleep the next night.

        And the cycle goes on and on.

        Why do I feel this way? I have no idea…I really don’t. I don’t know why I feel so certain about these horrible feelings. They do haunt me at night sometimes. I was afraid of coming forward because I didn’t want people to think I was crazy or something.

        That’s a huge fear of mine.

        But that fear is just the anxiety taking over and that is something I have to stop from happening. Because my anxiety doesn’t rule me. I…RULE…IT…

        My job right now is to find a way to stop the cycle so that I can get some good sleep. And beat the anxiety.