The Night of Dreams

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

“Close your eyes, can you see?”

        Yesterday a friend of mine with BPD texted me…we talked for a while and I felt really happy talking to my friend. I had to explain to her that I did not have BPD. I take similar medications, but I am not labeled with that disorder.

        I told her I raised awareness for it because my best friend had it.

        She smiled :)

“It’s the land of secret dreams take my hand.”

        I heard that BPD was hard to deal with even on it’s own. And I wondered if I had it. Then I realized that I didn’t.

        I have PTSD and cyclothymia. Those are challenging diagnoses to deal with…

        I hate dealing with them.

“Follow me where time escapes from reality.”

        My mind is flying around in circles. It’s hard for me to deal with this. Time goes by so slowly. It’s a hard thing to deal with. I have homework due, yet I don’t want to deal with it…I’m too busy trying to stop my feet from trying to run.

        For some reason…I just want to run.

“Can you feel the loneliness burning in my heart?”

        Sometimes I feel lonely because of my illness. But my friend told me that loneliness was unbearable and was never ending. She hated it and told me that the evil thoughts would simply not stop.

“I would need an angel to teach me again to fly.”

        Getting back on her feet was hard for her. She told me she was isolated a lot of the time. She didn’t like it…

“Fly to me and save me…”

        I felt so pressured to save her from that horrible fate. I wanted to help her so much. But then I realized that I couldn’t save her… She would have to make that decision herself.

“Heal my broken wings.”

        I had tried to help another one of my friends with BPD heal… And in the end… she hated me. She spread things around that were untrue and stalked me. She made me hurt so bad for not being able to help her.

        It was then that I gave up my dream to become a psychologist.

“Close your eyes and kiss me cause tonight…it’s the night of dreams…”

        If I could I would have gone back in time and never have tried to help that friend who ruined my dream.

        Sometimes I really hate her for what she did.

        And other times I just cry for those who suffer with BPD.

        And other times I am just confused about the whole thing.

“And your crystal eyes could drive me to the light…”

        There’s no right or wrong way…so I stopped trying.

“It’s the night of dreams.”

        I just close my eyes and pretend it never happened.

        But that never works. Because it did happen and I can’t change it.

“And I can finally dream to fly.”

        I just want to fly away from that horrible memory. Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m a f***ing b**** for saying those horrible things?

        No…I’m just human.

“Higher til the sky…”

        It wasn’t my fault.

“Every day and every night I look up for your eyes.”

        It’s okay though… I am getting this out. I blame myself for the stalking and the harassment. I should have dealt with it better.

“Rain is falling from the sky like tears and I don’t like…”
        I wanted to be a savior and then I realized that there was nothing I could do.

“Now I wonder what I would ever have been if I had never met you…”

        If I had never met that girl from my past…the girl I met in college…I would still have been a psychologist dreamer and I would never have found my dream job: anthropology.

“Stars in the sky are shining as never before, now I can answer, I know…”

        I was meant to learn that you cannot save people… You can only help them heal.

        And you can only help them heal if they want to be healed.