Regreting

"A friend is one who walks in when others walk out"

-Walter Winchell

“Resistance of Irony…”

          Right now I am very sick. I’m sick because well…I overdid it. I thought I could handle an hour of exercise. I was wrong. But I don’t know how to fight this…I don’t know if I should work out a lot…or a little.

          I’m tired of being heavy. It just makes me mad.

“In the way, don’t stop…”

          I keep hearing people tell me to stop and just rest. It’s not healthy for me to feel so tired and sick to my stomach. But I just wanna scream “I don’t wanna be this way forever. I don’t want fatigue, arthritis, and dry eyes. I wanna be free.”

“Lack of sin for me…”

          I just get so frustrated with all of this. This arthritis, this fatigue… I just get so annoyed. I don’t like it.

“It tears me so hopeless, so heartless…say my name it’s over for me…”
          I know it’s not good to be saying “it’s over and there’s no hope”.

          Times are hard for me. But I am trying to enjoy every minute of it before it is gone. I love my life, and my friends. I just hate the ups and downs. I know I have a mood disorder, but I’m not really *Bipolar*. More like: an anxiety-based mood disorder. I don’t have a personality disorder. Oh, I’m sorry it’s so complicated. 

“Tonight, I pray for the last time. For you and for me, and our ordinary lives, ordinary lies…”

          I hope that the abilify and the Prozac helps with the mood problem. When I was down I’d start to cry. When I was up I was rolling on the floor.

          There was no in-between. It got on my nerves because I just wanted a normal life.

“My pain, redefined…like an unwelcomed guest…her eyes, just to remind me.”

          Everytime I work out it seems like the pain just keeps coming back.

          Is there no way out.

          Then before I get sick I get massive mood swings.

“I’m there for you, if you still want me to fall after all. I’m yours to keep, just come to me. I’m waiting with my wounds wide open.”

          Come on Bipolar Disorder…give me your best shot!

“Pour your salt into these wounds and watch me crawl. Tell me to take it like a man. Show me my place, hurt me because you can.”

          I’m not afraid of you: Bipolar Disorder. You can do everything to me…but I won’t let you beat me.

“Though now it hurts like hell…”

          Depression is my least favorite part of the disorder.

“It is better to keep that something. Instantly, being that I’m in tears.”

          This quote describes depression perfectly.

“So tell me now, how was he? And tell me, was he worth it? And the space is all I want. Solid payment for the torn and tired one; downcast, wayward son.”

          Was overdoing it worth it? I do not know. Now I regret every minute of it. I hate all my diseases and wish I could undo them. I hate what they do to my mood and to my body. It really really f***ing sucks.