Do NOT Judge Me

“Because of the lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

~Lamentations 3:22-23

      I am glad that that God loves me. Because I love him very much. I feel like a lot of people either think I'm great or think I am just a loser. I think that's just a part of life though...not everyone is going to like you.

       I just don't know what it is about mental illness that drives people nuts. Suddenly being mentally ill makes you a burden or something. I mean, seriously? I'm NOT a burden. I'm just a regular person...well...not regular...but a person. I hate the mental illness labels because being mentally ill is just not a good thing in our society. People judge you as less than a person and as "one of the bad ones".

      I really hate people when I see them treat the mentally ill that way. Mostly because...I am one of "those people". Yes I have multiple mental illnesses. Well...I am an adovcate for many illnesses.

I advocate for connective tissue diseases because I have two of those...who knows...maybe more...and I advoate for anxiety, mood, and personality disorders because I have issues with anxiety and mood...not personality though...

I know how it feels to worry. I mostly worry about people leaving me.

       I worry that people will get bored of me and go away. I don't like the idea of being rejected. It hurts. It hurts for everyone but being a trauma survivor, it hurts even more. I feel like when I bare myself to people who I thought were friends, and they reject me...I feel like my heart is being ripped out.

       I know I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve, but sometimes it's important to do so...for survival. You HAVE to talk about some stuff. And you feel really close to the people who suffer with the same stuff as you do. And when those people reject you...well...it hurts.

I know I have to work on not being so open....and my anger and my tendency to be really f***ing rude to people I don't like...

       Well....we all have things to work on so stop f***ing judging!

I Want To Be Believed

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.”

~Psalm 62:1

This picture reminds me how God forgives and how people can be forgiving if they have the spirit of God inside them.

      I always had a hard time with friends who wouldn’t forgive me. They were immature and expected me to do everything for them. I had gotten to the end of my rope with one of these friends. I won’t give away the name because I don’t want to single anyone out. But it was hell juggling my disease and dealing with those people.

      And I hated the people who thought it was their job to fix everything about me. I mean, it was my life and my job to help myself. I didn’t want or need their help.

God, people could be so dumb.

      Gosh, now I’m starting to b****…and I shouldn’t really do that. I should be happy that I have great friends who love and care about me. I mean, why not???? I’m a great person, and great people tend to attract good people in return. Sometimes we attract people who are not very good, but that’s just life.

      Life is a challenge for me right now. I’m healthier but not down to remission just yet. I’m not officially diagnosed with Lupus. Everyone tells me they don’t want me to have it…but…I’m pretty sure I do, and I can’t just ignore that. I have to take care of myself and my health. Why can’t people understand that. I don’t want people to say “I hope you don’t have it”….I just want people to say “I support you and believe you”.

That’s all I want.

Please Believe Me

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

~ 1 Peter 5:7

Being a friend

Sometimes I get scared

When I look my illness in the eye

Because I don’t know what to expect

And I don’t know who to turn to

And I don’t know who will believe me

Please believe me

I am really sick

I am struggling with a demon

And I need you to believe me

I'm Gonna Win!

Ahhh, what a beautiful sunset. When I see things like this it makes me think of my life. In some way the sun has set on my life. I don't have the liberty of going back to campus. And campus was a wonderful thing.

There was coffee, parties, long hours of studying in the library, and alcohol everywhere. The food sucked, but the people were pretty cool. And Plymouth,NH is a beautiful place to visit. I loved it.

And...I miss it...I really miss it. And I'm jealous of those who do get to experience PSU. But I'm alive and I'm doing all these great things, so I can't be a failure. No, I'm a winner.

And I'm going to win no matter what.

A day without Pain

"He replied 'Because you have so little faith. I'll tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you!"
~Matthew 17:20

I look at the horizon

And see the coldness of reality

And knowing that by trusting in someone

I can get through these hard times

The times are harsh on everyone

And they are times I don't like

Dealing with invisible illnesses

Really wears a person down

I ask for hope

I ask for faith

I ask for a day

Without any pain



True Love

“And he said: I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

~Matthew 18:3

Through this illness

I have learned many things

I have learned forgiveness

I have learned patience

 And I have learned love

Fake love is overrated

But true love is not.

And when that kind of love

Comes into your life

Hold on tight

And never let it go

For that kind of love

Will last a lifetime

The Truth Within Me

“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence: ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’”

~Hebrews 13: 5-6

Never will I fret

Never will I cry

Because strong I am

And strong I will always be

I don’t fear things anymore
Since I put my trust in him

Never will my faith stray

Never will I question…

Because I know the truth

And the truth is in him

And when I know it

                   It stays within me