Do NOT Judge Me

“Because of the lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

~Lamentations 3:22-23

      I am glad that that God loves me. Because I love him very much. I feel like a lot of people either think I'm great or think I am just a loser. I think that's just a part of life though...not everyone is going to like you.

       I just don't know what it is about mental illness that drives people nuts. Suddenly being mentally ill makes you a burden or something. I mean, seriously? I'm NOT a burden. I'm just a regular person...well...not regular...but a person. I hate the mental illness labels because being mentally ill is just not a good thing in our society. People judge you as less than a person and as "one of the bad ones".

      I really hate people when I see them treat the mentally ill that way. Mostly because...I am one of "those people". Yes I have multiple mental illnesses. Well...I am an adovcate for many illnesses.

I advocate for connective tissue diseases because I have two of those...who knows...maybe more...and I advoate for anxiety, mood, and personality disorders because I have issues with anxiety and mood...not personality though...

I know how it feels to worry. I mostly worry about people leaving me.

       I worry that people will get bored of me and go away. I don't like the idea of being rejected. It hurts. It hurts for everyone but being a trauma survivor, it hurts even more. I feel like when I bare myself to people who I thought were friends, and they reject me...I feel like my heart is being ripped out.

       I know I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve, but sometimes it's important to do so...for survival. You HAVE to talk about some stuff. And you feel really close to the people who suffer with the same stuff as you do. And when those people reject you...well...it hurts.

I know I have to work on not being so open....and my anger and my tendency to be really f***ing rude to people I don't like...

       Well....we all have things to work on so stop f***ing judging!

I Want To Be Believed

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.”

~Psalm 62:1

This picture reminds me how God forgives and how people can be forgiving if they have the spirit of God inside them.

      I always had a hard time with friends who wouldn’t forgive me. They were immature and expected me to do everything for them. I had gotten to the end of my rope with one of these friends. I won’t give away the name because I don’t want to single anyone out. But it was hell juggling my disease and dealing with those people.

      And I hated the people who thought it was their job to fix everything about me. I mean, it was my life and my job to help myself. I didn’t want or need their help.

God, people could be so dumb.

      Gosh, now I’m starting to b****…and I shouldn’t really do that. I should be happy that I have great friends who love and care about me. I mean, why not???? I’m a great person, and great people tend to attract good people in return. Sometimes we attract people who are not very good, but that’s just life.

      Life is a challenge for me right now. I’m healthier but not down to remission just yet. I’m not officially diagnosed with Lupus. Everyone tells me they don’t want me to have it…but…I’m pretty sure I do, and I can’t just ignore that. I have to take care of myself and my health. Why can’t people understand that. I don’t want people to say “I hope you don’t have it”….I just want people to say “I support you and believe you”.

That’s all I want.

Please Believe Me

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

~ 1 Peter 5:7

Being a friend

Sometimes I get scared

When I look my illness in the eye

Because I don’t know what to expect

And I don’t know who to turn to

And I don’t know who will believe me

Please believe me

I am really sick

I am struggling with a demon

And I need you to believe me

I'm Gonna Win!

Ahhh, what a beautiful sunset. When I see things like this it makes me think of my life. In some way the sun has set on my life. I don't have the liberty of going back to campus. And campus was a wonderful thing.

There was coffee, parties, long hours of studying in the library, and alcohol everywhere. The food sucked, but the people were pretty cool. And Plymouth,NH is a beautiful place to visit. I loved it.

And...I miss it...I really miss it. And I'm jealous of those who do get to experience PSU. But I'm alive and I'm doing all these great things, so I can't be a failure. No, I'm a winner.

And I'm going to win no matter what.

A day without Pain

"He replied 'Because you have so little faith. I'll tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you!"
~Matthew 17:20

I look at the horizon

And see the coldness of reality

And knowing that by trusting in someone

I can get through these hard times

The times are harsh on everyone

And they are times I don't like

Dealing with invisible illnesses

Really wears a person down

I ask for hope

I ask for faith

I ask for a day

Without any pain



True Love

“And he said: I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

~Matthew 18:3

Through this illness

I have learned many things

I have learned forgiveness

I have learned patience

 And I have learned love

Fake love is overrated

But true love is not.

And when that kind of love

Comes into your life

Hold on tight

And never let it go

For that kind of love

Will last a lifetime

The Truth Within Me

“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence: ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’”

~Hebrews 13: 5-6

Never will I fret

Never will I cry

Because strong I am

And strong I will always be

I don’t fear things anymore
Since I put my trust in him

Never will my faith stray

Never will I question…

Because I know the truth

And the truth is in him

And when I know it

                   It stays within me

Freedom

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.”

1 Peter 1:6

Freedom tastes so sweet

Especially when you finally find it

You cannot escape from life

Don’t hide away

Embrace the sweetness of reality

Find your peace in God

And take my hand

And we’ll walk along the white line together

Brave and Bold

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord, Your God will be with you wherever you go.”

~Joshua 1:9

     Cold and icy water…the day was bitter cold when we made that walk. I was surprised that my Fibromyalgia wasn’t acting up. But then I knew that it was in remission and that no more pain would come to me as long as I kept stress out of my life.

     Now I’m going back to school and learning about Criminal Justice. But I’m also learning about Chemistry and Anthropology in my free time. I always wanted to minor in those subjects, or even major in them. But I grew sick and wasn’t able to do that anymore.

     So now I work hard at these books I get from the library to learn about those subjects. Like my friend Emma, I am a geek. But I am a geek who likes to have fun and be weird at all costs.

     I am strong in my faith but at the same time I like the idea of science and history. I think a lot of what we know about the world comes from those two subjects. I am also an artist and enjoy painting and drawing to a large degree.

      I am writing a book of poems, and a book about a fiction story. I am thinking about installing book smart to help me with that. I have always been an ambitious gal and since I can't be ambitious in school work I am going to be ambitious in blogs, radioshows, blogtv, reading and studying subjects.

       Call me a nerd if you want but I'm just me. And this is how I deal with my illness, by being creative, ambitious, adventurous and bold.

    

    

Lazy Seagulls

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go! I will counsel you and watch over you.”

~Psalm 32:8

            The seagulls on the water remind me of my friends. Well, my true friends. Not just people who think I’m cool and stuff like that… Real friends…people who really care about me. I need people like that in my life. Living with multiple diseases is hard. I take a whole load of pills for my illnesses. My breakfast is a handful of pills. After taking them I feel so full.

        My friends come in all shapes and sizes. Some of them are shy and artistic. Some are outgoing and love to party and just love life in general. Then there are the people like me who like to spread the word.

       Most of my friends are christian or religious so I don't have pointless arguments about whether or not there is a "GOD". Because I know there is a God. I don't know how I know for sure...I just have faith. Religion is one thing, faith is a completely different thing.

      I have great friends now, but I didn't have the best friends in the past. They were either too troubled, too negative, too smothering, or just too immature. I am slowly but surely cutting those people out of my life because they have brought me nothing but pain.

       Yes...pain....

        It's a thing that I am very familiar with. Fibromyalgia pain, Lupus pain, Anxiety pain, Mood disorder pain....pain from trauma....it's all pain.

       I'm just so tired of feeling it. that's why I am glad I have the friends I have now. They have really helped me. And in return, I am a good friend to everyone I know.

Icy Stares

“I will say of my lord ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my god, in whom I trust.’”

~Psalm 91:2

          The icy water in this picture reminds me of the thin ice I was on in college. I remember the pain I used to feel when I hid from the ice cold stares from my professors. I don't think they really believed I was ill. I think they figured that I was faking it so I didn't have to go to class.

       This was not true. I really was sick. But because of my illness and my anxiety...I was too weak to do the work. The pain was great, and I felt so alone.

      I was always the subject of discussion with my "friends". All they talked about were my failures, and my strange illness. They looked at me like there was something really wrong with me. It really freaked me out. I didn't like it. I wanted them to stop trying to fix me, because they couldn't.

     My "best friend" went around saying I was "always upset" and "crazy" and "mean". She acted like she wanted the best for me, but she never really did. She had problems of her own, and it got to the point where I was almost getting in trouble with the law because of her.

     She never did understand me. And I'm not trying to single anyone out...I just wanted to say the truth. The girl had problems and was in denial that anything was wrong. She always thought I was crazy. But I feel like she really projected her craziness onto me. And this is my opinion and mine alone. And I don't think it would help if other people put in their opinion, because what's in the past, is in the past...

      I don't talk to that girl anymore. And I'm glad I don't.

     She never helped me get better, she just worsened my anxiety and made me sicker....

      I don't blame myself, and I don't blame her, but God, I am so glad I am out of that painful and toxic relationship.

The Path Of Life

      "Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."
~Proverbs 16:20

        We went for a walk today. We went into Exeter, NH to go for a walk around Swasey Park. It was a good time...although a bit cold...

        This reminds me of the path of life, how everything happens along a straight line. Sadly we don't always stay on the straight line. We fall off the path because of many reasons.

       I fell off the path too...mostly because I was in denial about my Lupus, and because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and because I was so worried about school. I missed a lot of school because of my illnesses, and it made me mad because I wasn't what I wanted to be. People called me a "school skipper", "lazy", everything like that. People even teased me because I failed everything.

       But it wasn't my fault...and now that I know that...I try not to pay any mind to those people. Those cruel people who have no idea what I am facing. If they knew, they would not be laughing.

      You don't know what Lupus or General anxiety is like until you have it yourself. It's not easy to deal with, and I woudn't wish it on my own enemy! But people need to stop judging. When they judge and assume they know me...they make asses out of themselves.

      And I trust that God has a plan for me. He doesn't want me to just sit around and do nothing. No, he wanted me to make this blog and inspire people. He wanted me to make a radio show and a blogtv show about my Lupus and Fibro.

     He wanted me to be free.

      And that's exactly what I'm going to be...free...on the road of life...going where I want to go....being who I want to be...never caring about what other people think.

Looking for Love

Looking For Love

It was never a mistake

To look for you

Because you’re worth it

It was never a mistake to love you

Because you’re worth it

You put my mind in a state of haze

I like to call you my guardian angel

You’re always watching over me

Making sure I’m okay

I’d rather be happy with you

Than unhappy and alone

Flying through the air

I’m held up by my angel

Nothing can touch me now

I’m riding on the wave of his love

I’m his daughter

And I’m his wife

He’s my lover

And also my guardian

I love you so much

I hope you never forget it.

LOVE

Love

Loving with my whole heart

Ordinary love never works

Varying by the passing day

Everyday with you feels great

You are the sun in my life

Ordinary, you are not

Unless you don’t want to be

We’ll be friends forever...

Bashfulness

Bashfulness

Looking back

I recall a time

When I myself

Was very shy

I never talked

Until someone talked to me

I uttered only a few words

Afraid of the person I called me

Afraid to see the truth

Afraid to be myself

Then I awoke

And realized the truth

That I could get out

And see the light

And get out of the rut

And become more outgoing

And no longer be alone

And now I’m free

And that’s the way to be

Happiness

Happiness

If happiness were but a hair

I would surely pluck it out

For a moment of pure happiness

Is better than a moment alone

Happiness evades many

And only a few truly find it

Because being happy

Means giving up sadness

It means giving up anger

It means giving up fear

It means embracing a new life

Many people cannot do this

Because they need anger in their lives

They want to blame others for their illness

When it’s really no one’s fault

They blame God

When God wants nothing bad to happen

Trying to cheer up

Never happens

Then the blaming starts again

This time…God

The next time, love

Hate brings out the worst in everyone

The Girl and the Wolf (7) Conclusion

But when the girl wondered what life would have been like if she had not met the fairy...her world became dark and cold...

And then the girl knew that her life was never going to be the same ever again...

The Girl and the Wolf (6)

“I’ll take it,” she answered with a huff. “I am tired of this miserable life.”

“Fine then…you will never be able to undo this or find a life like this…”

She cast the spell. “May your life be filled with blessings.”

When the girl woke up…she could move her hands and feet. She could live her life without fearing for her life….she finally had a life without pain.

The Girl and the Wolf (5)

“And what is the catch of this engagement?” she asked the fairy.

     “The catch…” the fairy answered. “Is that you may crave this life so much, that to be without it by drive you to a point of despair…”

     “Despair…”

     “Yes…the loss of this wonderful and new life will drive you mad with despair.”

The Girl and the Wolf (4)

She began to have feverish dreams of death and destruction. Suddenly nothing made sense anymore. Feverish dream after feverish dream…lost friend after lost friend…her good luck began to fade.

      Until one night when she met a fairy from the east in a cloudy dream….the fairy gave her the chance to live a normal life.