I’m going to bitch. I fucking HATE labels. Wow…it felt so good to swear and not feel bad about offending anyone.
Everyone is so worried about hurting the other person with bad words….but…it really isn’t something to be afraid of…
BPD = personality disorder.
Complex PTSD = Severe anxiety Disorder.
I am pretty sure I have Complex PTSD. I had a lot of serious things happen to me as a kid. Because of this I have no problem telling those creepy guys who stalk me on facebook to “shove it” and leave me alone.
I just had a guy somewhat stalk me on facebook. He was from Egypt. He kept repeating his name and asking me if I knew who he was. =/ I knew who he was…
He told me he wanted to marry me, that I was so beautiful…and he barely knew me. I finally told him that he made me uncomfortable…
I blocked him.
Then he tried to contact me on yahoo and to get in touch with me. I can’t understand how someone could be so in love with someone they barely knew. I felt bad, but I wasn’t thinking about love. I was thinking about how to restructure my life and get back on my feet.
That’s what I was thinking about…not finding my soul mate. Dude, if you’re reading this…sorry but you just weren’t for me.
BPD and Complex PTSD can really affect our lives. We have a hard time trusting other people and being alone is hard. We often just find someone to be with so we don’t have to be alone. It’s something we have to work on.
Or rather…it’s something our brains have to work on. Because severe trauma can change the way our brains see things.
And because of this…I have a lot of work to do.
But I hate labels and won’t be ruled by them anymore.
Because I’m not my illness, and BPD/C-PTSD are just labels given to us by doctors to *help* us.
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
“Close your eyes, can you see?”
Yesterday a friend of mine with BPD texted me…we talked for a while and I felt really happy talking to my friend. I had to explain to her that I did not have BPD. I take similar medications, but I am not labeled with that disorder.
I told her I raised awareness for it because my best friend had it.
She smiled :)
“It’s the land of secret dreams take my hand.”
I heard that BPD was hard to deal with even on it’s own. And I wondered if I had it. Then I realized that I didn’t.
I have PTSD and cyclothymia. Those are challenging diagnoses to deal with…
I hate dealing with them.
“Follow me where time escapes from reality.”
My mind is flying around in circles. It’s hard for me to deal with this. Time goes by so slowly. It’s a hard thing to deal with. I have homework due, yet I don’t want to deal with it…I’m too busy trying to stop my feet from trying to run.
For some reason…I just want to run.
“Can you feel the loneliness burning in my heart?”
Sometimes I feel lonely because of my illness. But my friend told me that loneliness was unbearable and was never ending. She hated it and told me that the evil thoughts would simply not stop.
“I would need an angel to teach me again to fly.”
Getting back on her feet was hard for her. She told me she was isolated a lot of the time. She didn’t like it…
“Fly to me and save me…”
I felt so pressured to save her from that horrible fate. I wanted to help her so much. But then I realized that I couldn’t save her… She would have to make that decision herself.
“Heal my broken wings.”
I had tried to help another one of my friends with BPD heal… And in the end… she hated me. She spread things around that were untrue and stalked me. She made me hurt so bad for not being able to help her.
It was then that I gave up my dream to become a psychologist.
“Close your eyes and kiss me cause tonight…it’s the night of dreams…”
If I could I would have gone back in time and never have tried to help that friend who ruined my dream.
Sometimes I really hate her for what she did.
And other times I just cry for those who suffer with BPD.
And other times I am just confused about the whole thing.
“And your crystal eyes could drive me to the light…”
There’s no right or wrong way…so I stopped trying.
“It’s the night of dreams.”
I just close my eyes and pretend it never happened.
But that never works. Because it did happen and I can’t change it.
“And I can finally dream to fly.”
I just want to fly away from that horrible memory. Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m a f***ing b**** for saying those horrible things?
No…I’m just human.
“Higher til the sky…”
It wasn’t my fault.
“Every day and every night I look up for your eyes.”
It’s okay though… I am getting this out. I blame myself for the stalking and the harassment. I should have dealt with it better.
“Rain is falling from the sky like tears and I don’t like…” I wanted to be a savior and then I realized that there was nothing I could do.
“Now I wonder what I would ever have been if I had never met you…”
If I had never met that girl from my past…the girl I met in college…I would still have been a psychologist dreamer and I would never have found my dream job: anthropology.
“Stars in the sky are shining as never before, now I can answer, I know…”
I was meant to learn that you cannot save people… You can only help them heal.
And you can only help them heal if they want to be healed.
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin
“I’m happy, hope you’re happy too.”
I know I can be happy with a disease like CFS…It may strip me of all energy…but I’m happy. And I have other things too that I deal with. But I’m happy.
Are you? Can you still be you even though you have a chronic disease.
“I’ve loved all I needed love.”
I have so many friends. I think it’s because of my personality. I’m just such a nice person and people seem to like that. So of course I have a lot of friends. I lost a lot of friends because of being sick.
But I’ve gained so much more.
“The shrieking of nothing is killing.”
Just screaming for no reason is not the best thing to do. People will just think you’re angry, when you probably aren’t. I’m not an angry person, but I get angry whenever people talk about my fatigue and how it’s hurting me.
I yell at it and tell it to leave me alone. Sometimes I think it can really hear me…
“Ain’t got no money and I ain’t got no hair…”
My hair is getting thinner. And I don’t have a job. I live at home with my parents. I hate it because I want to be on my own. I want to work, and have a family.
I don’t have money to spend on anything. My parents buy everything. It makes me feel so weak and helpless. I don’t like that feeling.
“Strung out in heaven’s high…”
All my drugs make me feel so stoned all the time. The drugs I take for Fibro really zonk me out. And then the anxiety drugs make me feel lke I’m as high as a kite. Most of the time it’s not a bad feeling…but it’s kind of uncomfortable feeling that way on prescription drugs!
“Hitting an all time low…”
I hate feeling depressed. You know, the feeling that everything is going to end badly. Ugh! It’s awful. I want it to end.
The worst thing about my Cyclothymia is the depression. It’s not that bad…but it’s enough to make me unable to enjoy my day. Soemtimes I get depressed before I get a Lupus flare.
